Last night I had a break down. I slammed my finger in the pantry door and had a huge trantrum. Just like a three year old told no. My husband was even freaked out. I took my throbbing finger and went into the bathroom and got into the shower. I sat down and just cried while the hot steamy water cascaded over me. I'd been in there for a while when I had a light bulb moment. The reason why I have been so tired lately was because of my medication for my depression got messed up this week. I was off it for two days and it threw my whole well-being off track. So my reaction to when I slammed my finger in the pantry door was a result of me being angry that I have to be on meds to be normal and happy. I cried in the tub and felt like some kind of outcast.
My husband let me vent to him last night and I woke up happier. He hugged me all night long. I decided to go to the mall. I didn't bring any money so I could not be tempted to spend money, I just wanted to have fun. I went into some of my favorite stores and found some great dresses and fun skirts and I went to try them on. Well low and behold, they did not fit. Heartbroken I left the store, it was so hard not to start crying and call myself a big fat pig. I did not cry, I picked myself up and reminded myself that by the time I could afford to buy that dress i'll be able to wear it. It's gonna take time. It takes time to build a fortune as well as rebuild a body and self image. I went and looked at clothes for my sister's unborn baby instead. I also found some great things for my husband. Too bad I had no money, they could have gotten some nice gifts!
Today is a gift. It is another day to try to find what makes me happy and try to treat myself with respect. It is the hardest thing I think I've ever tried to accomplish. But I'll have another gift tomorrow and who doesn't like recieving gifts?
2 comments:
love you, peanut!
jenny said...HUGS!!
((((and another for good measure))))
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