Monday, November 04, 2013

Get Out of My Head....

So, (you know like we are already in the middle of a conversation and I am about to switch gears and bring up a new topic) I went and did Zumba today. I have been wanting to get to the gym and do Zumba for months, years actually.I have only been to Zumba two time before. Once when I was 8 months pregnant with BJ and then again when BJ was about 6 months. So it has been years. I have thought about it several times but today I went.

When I got there the ladies had already begun. I found a spot in the back where I could still see the Zumba leader lady so I could follow her and no one else could really see me. I jumped in trying to follow along the best I could. The first song was easy, a warm up but then the next song came on. The ladies were jumping all over the room, twisting and turning and moving their feet in all sorts of freaky directions. I was lost. I kept turning the wrong way and was always a step behind. When she said left I went right and when she went forward I went back, Oh the pain! The embarrassment! Some ladies came in after me and so I was no longer in the back of the room. I kept thinking they must think that I am all sorts of a spaz and want to steer clear of me. I was worried that I might actually step on one of them.

 All sorts of different emotions came rushing in. At one point I was ready to run out and cry. I was certain everyone was focused on me. The song ended and I went for a drink of water. I didn't leave. As the next song began I had a thought, "get out of your head. Just focus." I was spending so much time worrying about how I looked that I was missing out on the fun and joy of exercising my body to fun music with a group of women who enjoy the same experience. A wave of happiness ran down my spine. Yes, I thought. I was doing something I have wanted to do for a years. I was doing something good for my body.

From that point on, I said, "Screw it,"to perfection. All I have to do is keep moving to the music. So that is what I did and you know what? After the work out was over the Zumba lady came up to me and asked me if I'd ever done Zumba before? I told her once or twice years ago. She said that she was impressed at how well I kept up and that I did a great job. See! All you have to do is keep moving to the music! The steps don't have to be perfect. This isn't Dancing with the Stars. There are no judges watching you and giving you a rating. Although, I think many of us, me especially, think  that there are. Really the biggest critic of myself was me. I need to be nicer to myself.

I'm resolved to live outside of my head more. Because life happens outside your head, not in.

Friday, November 01, 2013

A funny thing happend on my way to the computer....

Life happened!~) Holy Crow, where has the time gone? Here I sit starting at my blog and I realize that I haven't posted  since Samantha's birth and that was over 8 months ago! No wonder I feel so lost latley. I've been neglecting the thing that keeps me sane; my journal and my blog.

So don't think that I'm complaining, but life with three kids is tough. Especially when one of them in 2 and a bugger and the other one is  even younger and is crazy mobile. She started crawling at 6 months! That is just unfair. The thing that helps me keep it together is that the 5 year old is in school. I am pretty glad that I didn't homeschool. Yes, I even seriously contemplated home school! That is how much you have missed because I was too busy and exhausted to share.

I have had so much on my mind and I have to apologies. Maybe some of you could have benefited from my crazy head rants and I know I would have been better off getting it out there. I am saying that I will try harder to get over this hard and challenging parenting phase and I will let what is on my mind be heard! Because no matter who you are, if it's on your mind it's probably on it for a reason. So explore it. That is what I do here and I haven't done it for a while. So I'm back. And I hope that you rejoin me so we can be delighted or confused, or angry or whatever...together.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


A week ago today I went to my 40 week Ob appointment. I was hoping I wouldn't go too much over my due date like I had with my other pregnancies.I was prepared for them to tell me that labor was not eminent and to go home and relax.But the baby i was carrying was slowing down. Less movement. I was hoping she was getting into position. Things didn't exactly go as I had planned.

I saw Mary, one of the Midwives, and she checked for the babies heart beat. She couldn't find it. She searched high and low and all over my belly. She couldn't locate it. I could tell she was a little more than concerned as she called for the ultra-sound machine to be wheeled in. I was surprisingly calm. I had felt the baby move a little bit earlier that morning.

As she squirted cold jelly all over my huge belly she asked me questions about the babies movements and such  and I told her that the movements has slowed down but I still was feeling some nudges and pokes. Then she found the baby on the machine and the babies heartbeat. The baby was fine. The only problem was that Mary couldn't find any fluid to measure.  It seems that my amniotic fluid had all dried up somehow. My water had not broken. As far as they could tell I was not leaking. It was a mystery. A mystery that sent my pregnant bottom to the hospital to be induced.

Before I left the Doctor's Office I made all my phone calls. Called Matt and told him to come home. I called the neighbor to pick up Peter from preschool. I called my Mom to tell her that I was not coming home. I've never been so grateful for cell phones. I went to the hospital and rode up in the elevator with a women who was being wheeled in. I could tell she was in the advanced stages of labor. That was going to be me soon.

April, another midwife, met me at the hospital. She was the one handling the induction. The induction that didn't take! I bounced on a birthing ball all day while being hooked up to pitocin all for it not to have done a thing. My cervix didn't budge. Meanwhile, the baby continued to be monitored and her heart beat continued steady and strong.

NOTE: between the hours 11:30am and 7pm, I had 4 different nurses.

At about 6:45 they gave me Cervadill. The longest night of my life was upon me. Because I was on the Cervadill, which is an insert they place as close to the cervix as they can, I had to stay in bed and be heavily monitored. If the monitor lost the babies heart rate then a nurse would rush in and readjust until the heartbeat could be found. So I stayed in the most uncomfortable bed in the whole universe hooked up to a bunch of wires all night long. My poor sweet baby was inside a dry uterus and she was just trying to get comfortable. Because their was no buffer of fluid for her she could feel those monitors pressing down on her, of that I am sure, so she moved all night long and I had nurses in and out of my room every half an hour. By morning my baby had settled into a comfy transverse breech position (sideways).  Her heart beat remained strong. I was exhausted.

So the next morning, unknowing that my baby was transverse, they took the Cervadill out, checked me, yes it has softened things up. Then I got out of that hell of a bed and ate breakfast. I wanted to jump start my day so I took to the halls to walk until Debbie, my favorite midwife, arrived to begin the pitocin. I walked for a good hour and began having contractions about 4 mins apart. As I walked I was excited that maybe I would just go into labor and I wouldn't need my pit drip. My handsome hubby arrived around 8:30 and Debbie around 9 am.  I told her that I was feeling contractions. As I described them she told me they were more than likely still Braxton Hicks. She decided to check me before she hooked me back up to my pit drip and she was glad she did. That is when we all discovered that little Samantha's head was not in place. Her hands AND feet were!  Because of the lack of fluid they couldn't try to turn her so my only option was a C-section. Of which I was totally fine. I just needed them to get my baby out so she would be safe. Debbie called the Doctor and the Doctor agreed that a C-section was the only option. They scheduled me for 4pm (because I had eaten breakfast).

I wish I could say that 4pm arrived and I was holding my baby at 4:30pm but no. All day long I was feeling contractions. But every time they hooked me up to the monitor my contractions would not show up. So the nurses just said it was the baby moving against my dry uterus. Which I could believe because of the pain of her moving all night long. So I believed them and all day long I was contracting but my belly wasn't getting very hard so I just told myself it was the baby shifting.

3pm rolls around and I am in pain. The only thing that bring me comfort is the fact that 4pm is coming soon. But then I was informed that I got bumped to 4:30 and they weren't even sure they could get me in then. Tortured doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. I told the nurse that my contractions were getting worse and she touched my stomach and agreed that I was in fact having real contractions. But she wouldn't check me because it wouldn't change the outcome of the situation. Which translate to: You are still have a c-section. Duh.

I was sitting in a rocking chair at this time and I felt myself open and something moving into the birth canal. I told the nurse and she told me the same thing as before. It wasn't until I moved into the bed and yelled," I am feeling the urge to bare down! I feel like I have to poop!" Than she knew I was serious. She checked me and I was dilated to a 10 with bulging baby parts trying to making their way down the birth canal. That is when everyone sprang into action.The Doctor came in and confirmed that the baby parts where still hands and feet and my scheduled c-section turned into an emergency c-section.

 NOTE: At this point I had had a total of 7 nurses in 2 days. I had a total of 12 nurses during my 4 day stay.

What's a gal got to do to have a c-section around here?I was more than a little peeved at the way things went. I was mad that I had to get so far advanced into child birth before they took me seriously and stopped putting me off. I was upset that I had so many different nurses that none of them even got to know my name. When I think of all the things that could have gone wrong. If Samantha hadn't been as strong of a baby as she is, I don't know if she would have even survived.

Gratefully, she did. Gratefully everything turned out for the best and we are both well and thriving.Gratefully Heavenly Father provided skilled professionals when I needed them the most. Every time I hold my little sweetie I know that I am already holding a super strong woman with an even stronger spirit. And I am reminded that I'm no weakling either :)

I'll write about my crush on my anesthesiologist later....

Saturday, July 28, 2012


This has not been a very eventful summer for us. The reason being is that in early June I found out that we are expecting baby #3. ( insert ,Cheer, applause, woot woot!)  And with each start of each pregnancy my will to do just about anything goes right out the window along with my energy. 

While none of our babies have been "accidents" the others were so well planned. This one, not so much. Oh well, I am getting used to the idea of having two kids under the age of 2. Ok, really I am TRYING to get used to the idea. It is going to be work. I dislike work. I like easy. Well, some of you might say," if you like easy than don't have babies because babies ain't easy" and you would be right, however remember the above, my will to do all things except sit on the couch and stare at the wall disappears. I'll get over it.

I am 12 wks preggers and starting to feel a little bit better after feeling like boiled crap for the past few months, and I am beginning to get excited. At my last Midwife appt. they couldn't locate the babies heart beat so they sent to ultrsound. The little guy was in there just moving his/her little arms and I could see the outline of a defined face. Very sweet. Turns the placenta is in front of the baby and was blocking the heart beat.
 Regardless of the age difference we are adding the next person to our family. He? She? I don't really care, I just am happy that soon I will get to know this little peanut and be delighted, overwhelmed, annoyed, and all of the other feelings mothers experience with their children. Welcome baby #3 we are excited for you to come. And yes, this time I will get the epidural :)

We had a visitor

  We had a visitor last month. My brother-in-law was heading home to NJ after being in AK for work and he stopped in to introduce us to the newest member of his family. This little goat.

He is wearing a diaper but is fully house trained.

The boys just adored him! I have to say, I thought the little guy was super cute my self. He pranced and danced around our kitchen and gave Peter and Ben kisses. He was a happy little jig. Uncle Ray only stayed about an hour. He just wanted to get home. But we are so happy that he stopped in to see us. We look forward to seeing our new little friend again soon.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Top Ten Reasons Why I Left Facebook

10. Do I really have 500 friends? Really?
9.    Voyeurs. Stalkers, pic one.
8.    Yes, your weekend was cooler than mine, and you have to pictures to prove it.
7.     Farmville.
6.    Pinterest won
5.     500 friends and not one comment, heart sinks, self esteem plummets.
4.     Distrac…..huh?
3.     I have more to say than I can fit in my update space.
2.     My kids missed me .
1.     The spirit told me to.