confessions from a compulsive eater

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Originally uploaded by booksmeller.

Just last week I was in the book store on campus and I found my favorite shelf. It was the old valentine's day candy/products shelf and low and behold the had all different sizes of boxes of my favortiest chocolates:Godiva, 50% off. Oh how my heart sang in adoration! I picked a box up, looked at, then put it back, "no, do not spend money" I thought, but then I picked the box back up, "but it is godiva chocolate and I am PMSing, and it is on SALE!" I thought back to myself. On and on I went until I came to the conclusion that I would put it back and look around at the books for a bit to see if I still wanted it when I left.
So I marched myself down to the closest book shelf and much to my surprise, it was a display of How to stop eating and shopping compulsivly. "Well, looky here" I said aloud and picked up two or three books from the display to thumb through. I ended up reading an entire book about how to stop dieting and love your body! It was like a light bulb moment!
Everyone has issues with their body. I don't care howthin you are, if you are a women you have fat and ugly days! I recenly tried on a pair of khakis that I have kept on reserve for my fat pantsto find that they were too tight! I had outgrown my fat pants! Talk about a fatty moment! I wanted to scream and hurl the contents of my stomach into the nearest trash receptical! How in the world did I out grow my fat pants!?
Since high school I have only gained about 15-20 pounds, up until recently when I went on a deit called Simple Inspirations where I denyed myself food and was miserable! My Mother and I went on the diet together and all we did was cry and moan about it the entire time. I was also planning a wedding and going to school full time so my plate was full and my stress level was high. I failed the diet and ended up 10 pounds heavier than when I began the diet. Feeling like a total failure and fatso, i continued to feed my self disapproval and must have put on another 5 pounds since the wedding. Now I feel totally fat in all of my clothes. I bulge and he tightness makes me very irritable. While I was sitting on that couch reading the book about putting diets behind me and loving me and my body something in me yelled "Halleluya!(forgive the bad spelling) Everytime I deprive myself I feel like I have done something wrong and am being punished and that hurts.It hurst because I am the fat child in my family. As long as I remember I was fat and teases horribly for being over weight. All of my sisters somehow have control over their urges and bodies and for the life of me I can't figure out why I didn't learn what they learned? It's not like I am the youngest and they learned it before I was born, I am the middle child and the second daughter out of 4. What are my food issues and why have I always had them?
I am a very likeable person. I have many friends and a loving husband. My husband thinks and often tells me that I have a great figure( i have a fabulous husband!) and that I am very pretty. Sometimes I can see it, but when I go shopping and a size 14 is getting to be too small I forget that I am a beautiful person and I compare meself to others and begin to feel very low, then I get lower and lower because my pants are getting tightier and tighter and tighter.
The book I found myself reading was "Why Weight, How to put and End to Compulsive Eating",by Geneen Roth. She told me to stop punishing myself and break the dieting and binging cycle. She told me that eating a piece of chocolate cake it good. She told me to eat with pleasure. She also told me that it is okay to say no. She said to savor your food and stop when you recognize that you hvae had enough. She doesnot propose any short term tricks, but recognizes that stopping old habits is a long term battle. I Like Geneen Roth. Ihave ordered her books from Amazon.com. You can find a much better deal there. Plus you can check her out at geneenroth.com. If you feel frustrated about your body like me, she may be the answer to help you start liking yourself again. I'm gonna give it an honest shot,because I 'm gonna have this body for a long time. I'm in it for the long run!