Today I got mad because my boyfriend (whom i've only been dating for 4 months) said he wasn't ready to marry me. Silly, I know. But it felt like when I was little and I got put in the corner for talking too much during nap time to my boyfriend Eric. I was so angry at my teacher for doing that! Because of my evil teacher Eric and my backstabbing friend went off to the playground together and left me behind. I felt betrayed and rejected. I really hated being a kid because of those feelings. Funny, but even as a 26 year old i still feel those rejected and betrayed feelings, "but you love me, why wouldn't you be juming at the chance to marry me!?". Rejected and betrayed even though i'm not ready to marry him either
I just don't want to wait anymore. When I was a kid I had to wait until I was a grown up, now that I am a grown up I have to wait until me and my prince are ready. We are always waiting and I hate waiting, I really do. I've been waiting my whole life. Just waiting for something to happen. We all do it. but we all fill our waiting time with other things to make the waiting not so painful, like trips to Europe and grad school. But if these things are just side things to do while were waiting... what are we waiting for? I guess to die.
Since i've come to that conclusion I am going to change the word waiting to preparing. That sounds much more opitmistic and still is true,especailly with the knowledge i have that Earth life is a time for men to prepare to meet God. We are all wating to meet God and just filling in the waiting by preparing and filling our lives with purpose and joy so that our meeting with God goes better. Noone likes to disappoint their Father. I'll make more sense out of this later... but for now this is what is on my mind.
I love you Matt, I am only being impatient.You need to help keep me in the present because living in the present is the only way to learn anything.
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