November 30th 2004
How to stop worrying and love the Bush
by Ben Werdmuller
We all knew it had to happen. Our hopes were raised, our spirits lifted,
and we sat on the edge of our seats, beers in hand, waiting for the
results to roll in. John F Kerry would be America’s next President
elect, and all the signs pointed to a landslide victory: the Redskins
lost their game, his initials were the same as John F Kennedy’s,
surely nobody in their right mind liked Bush anyway.
As the results came in, red state after red state, beers turned to
whiskeys, whiskeys turned to shots of absinthe, and shots of absinthe
turned to gallons of pure ethanol with flaming gasoline chasers. Those of
us living in foreign climes were left spent and bruised at five in the
morning, having been thoroughly rogered up the ramjet by the Republican
Party. “Let me put it to you this way,” the chimpy-featured
prolapse uttered at his first press conference, “I earned capital in
the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my
style.”
Despite only winning the slimmest of paper-thin majorities of
America’s votes, the man who ignored a memo called “Bin Laden
determined to strike in US” now claims to have a mandate to carry on
as before. However, although this seems like an unrecoverable blow to all
that is peaceful and intelligent in the world, not to mention
America’s reputation on the world stage, Rum and Monkey would like
to remind you of this: he only has two years before he becomes a lame
duck and can’t even make an echo under a bridge, let alone
substantial policy. That’s not enough time to start another war.
That’s hardly enough time for a government department to organise a
staff barbecue, or for a Democrat to decide how to decorate his cubicle.
It is in this spirit that Rum and Monkey offers you some ways of spending
the next two years, so that you hardly even notice that the man with his
finger on the button actively believes in bringing about Armageddon in
order to trigger the second coming of Christ. After all, who needs mortal
terror when you’ve got great holiday ideas?
Idea One: Freeze Yourself
Sadly, it’s a myth that Walt Disney had himself frozen when he died.
It would have been great to see him wake up in 2043, exclaim “what
the hell is this?!”, die again, be resuscitated, exclaim “what
the hell is this?!”, die again, be resuscitated, exclaim “what
the hell is this?!”, and so on, ad infinitum for the rest of
eternity.
Although cryogenics cannot properly provide a way to be frozen and then
thawed into a harsh universe thousands of years later, the dream is kept
alive by a few brave men and women who ably take millions of dollars from
stupid rich people afraid of death. Why should this be solely the
preserve of the very wealthy? You too can obtain enough funds to be put
on ice for the period of your choice. Simply defraud California and
bankroll a famous gubernatorial candidate who can’t lose in order to
only have to pay 2% of the debt. It’s easy when you know how!
Idea Two: Spend Your Time On The Road Singing Gospel
Whether you’re Christian or not, you can’t deny that gospel
music is both beautiful and soulful. Singers like Mahalia Jackson, the
Blind Boys of Alabama and John Ashcroft have proven that this art form
transcends religious barriers and can deliver the warm, sweet glow of
passion direct into your cold, dead heart. Why not join in the fervent
religious antics, and sing your own great gospel songs?
There are several elements you must not forget when singing
gospel:
- Every song must mention Jesus in some way, preferably as
part of a day-to-day activity. Examples include Jesus, I want to hold
your hand; O Lord, I’m washing my dishes with Jesus;
Jesus makes me glad to be beaten by my alcoholic husband and addressed
as ‘Woman’. - The more you embellish your note with
seemingly pointless trills and scales, the more you care. Similarly,
emphatic hand-clapping is smiled upon. - Rolling around on the floor
speaking in tongues is not strictly necessary, but may lend a more
contemporary feel to your song; it is our understanding that Eminem does
this halfway through every performance.
never to mix gospel with rhythm and blues, unless you want to be damned
for all eternity like the demon Ray Charles. Ashcroft does it best, as
can plainly be determined by listening to his cover of King Jesus
(on his album Truth), a song that goes:
All theWe at
armies of the world will someday gather
And they’ll pass before the great reviewing stand
And they’ll beat their swords and weapons into plow shares
Then the Prince of Peace will give the last command
Rum and Monkey find this quite stirring.
Idea Three: Move To New York
Interestingly, given the city’s famous terrorist attack and
apparently numerous subsequent foiled attempts to level the metropolis
with dirty bombs and / or the fearful spectre of godless immorality, New
York had one of the largest Democratic majorities in the country. (This
is not hard.) It would seem that New Yorkers, having actually been
exposed to terrorism and dealing with potentially alarming concepts like
foreigners and gay people every day, have overcome their
fear of other people and get on with their lives. Republican mixes with
Democrat, gay with straight, black with white, street mugger with
corporate criminal, dirty bomb with clean – a true melting pot. If
you move here, maybe you too can find the strength to get on with your
life!
We hope you have found these ideas both useful and inspirational. As for
us here at Rum and Monkey? We live in Britain, and can therefore feel
smug without any fear of recrimination. After all, it’s not like
our government has reduced civil liberties, invaded the middle
east, broken social security, racked up a large debt, fraudulently
inspired fear of terrorism in the population or elected a religious
fundamentalist to its figurehead position! Ha ha!
Ben Werdmuller is stockpiling political capital for the upcoming rhetoric
war.
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