Good news

Good news! I just bought a new computer!!!!!!
This is my first post from my new mac.
Last night i went to see Belle Leia (SP?) and Cub Country. Cub country got an A for everything, they have a intense Alternative county sound that tickles the ears and gets the head a' bobbin' and toes a tappin', while Belle Leia got a B-. Your basic Alt. rock group. 'Com on Belle...heard that before, gives us something new to chew on.

On saddness and fear
I don't know. I just don't know why I fear everything I love.
I can't tell you why I freeze at the thought of being seen in public. Or people watching me while I am on the radio.
Why do I fear being the best me?
I fear myself
I fear what I can do if I really try.
I fear hard work, sometimes I even fear breathing.
I hate this fear of mine, but I cherish it. I hold its hand and it keeps me safe from anything that may make me uncomfortable.
I fear forming an opinon, just in case I am wrong
I fear going to concerts alone or talking to people when I travel.
I am scared of boys, afraid they don't notice me.
I am sad and have been dealing with saddness for all of 2004.
I am afriad and don't understand why so many people love me, but know one wants to be with me.
I am afraid that no one thinks I am pretty, that all they see are the flaws that I see. I fear people seeing through me, all of my imperfections. I am afraid to write this, someone I know may read it and then they will really know that I am weak and am not the chipper bug I pretend to be. I fear the judgements of others yet am often the unjust judge.
Yet, I am happy too, it is like I am two different people fighting for space, for terriotory over my self-esteem.One is crying out for me to be confident, while the other is screaming for me to return to my cage.
Where I will wait.
wait for the day that everything will pass and I will be old and truley alone. The day that I will hide behind the couch with a blanket over my head and think as I rock back and forth, "if I can't see you, you can't see me, if I can't see you, you can't see me! IF I CAN"T SEE YOU, YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!!
Am I alone in this?
But I don't hide behind the couch, I get up and go. I dance in my car and sing as loud as I want, because there I am protected from my fear. I can be anything there. I can do anything when I am in my car.
The search and rescue team has not arrived yet. Till then, deep breaths, in and out, I need to turn up the volume, I am happy and I am good, and I am Confident, I WILL BE A SUCCESS!
but in what? Who knows, i'll just turn up the volume and think more about it tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.
Their will be no fear-conquoring tonight, just the reminder...
fear is the opposite of faith.